War!

War in My Spirit

We are at war.

For many of us, across multiple generations, we don’t truly understand what that means. All the wars fought over the course of my life have been overseas, the major armed conflicts of my time.

I watched the Berlin Wall come down when I was in elementary school.

My friends who graduated with me in June 2001 and went into the army to pay for college were among the first deployed after September 11th.

And even though Iran and Israel are still on the other side of the world, the world has gotten smaller as I’ve grown. This war feels close to home.

Because I care whether my money supports it now. I care whether or not this is “just,” if it aligns with what I value.

This week, the Labor Pains project packs up and heads to the East Coast for the month of July. I am heading to Albany, NY to pilot the In My Skin workshops.

The full title of the workshops is: In My Skin: Healing at the Intersection of Race, Gender, and Economy. I feel like I need to remind myself of this every time I sit down to work these days. There is so much going on, at such a rapid pace, and I want to address all of it. I want to use my art and creativity in some way to heal and to bring joy. To teach and to learn.

But how do I do that when I, too, am juggling all the things? Making sure backpacks are packed for summer camp, forms are in for the upcoming school year, emails responded to, and so forth. In order to stay relevant in this work, I must constantly be aware of what is going on around me.

I have to read the news, watch the clips, stay on top of current events impacting Black women, and listen for what Black women are asking for. All of this opens my psyche and emotions up to chaos, evil, and instability. None of those things serve me in my day to day. It is a terrible catch-22: I have to be aware to help, but being aware hurts my spirit.

I fast from social media and the news at least once a week these days. I had to do something similar during the 45th administration. Too much stimulus rapidly flooded my brain, causing me to feel more depressed and depleted than usual, and sometimes getting so heavy I truly have difficulty moving away from my bed. It is crippling to have compassion, but I never want to become immune to it.

War with My Time

Time management is both my gift and curse. I have an ability to plan my time down to the minute, so I try to pack as many productive minutes into my days as possible. My capacity to accomplish many things and over-commit to them is astounding.

The last decade of my life has been a slow lesson in recognizing my humanity and adhering to those needs. I am not a battery. I am a person. Each thing I do impacts me. Learning that has taught me how to discern the best place for my energy. But it doesn’t stop me from identifying multiple things for me to do.

I need to fundraise so that I can survive.

I need to create so that I can survive.

I need to provide an emotionally stable environment so my family can survive.

I need to rehearse to get better.

I need to exercise to stay healthy.

I need to keep praying to stay on course.

I need to connect with people to stay in relationship with humanity.

Color-coded schedules and neatly printed boxes with decorative stickers don’t always keep me on track. And sometimes things just rush in so fast I find myself overwhelmed so quickly.

June moved at an astonishing pace this year. From the first week, I found myself running to keep up with incredible opportunities. New doors opened, and support for my work expanded.

Exciting and rejuvenating, and a bit terrifying, if I am being honest.

But it all has to get done; there’s no stopping now.